Hello Spring! Our Life So Far

Hello again! It’s been awhile since the last post, so I thought I’d share a few updates before moving on with other posts. I’m the worst when it comes to posting on the blog. I keep telling myself that this will be the year I restart my blog, and nope, not happening.

I do post semi-regularly on Instagram, but sometimes there are things on my mind too long to fit into a caption. Sometimes I just want to share words, not pictures. Right now I can’t even be bothered to put pictures here, so if all this text is too much for you, oh well, Instagram.

Edwin moved to Malaysia about three weeks ago. The original plan was that we’d move as a family, but since we’re in the midst of a pandemic, the kids and I are staying here. The obvious downside to the new plan is that I have to figure out this solo parenting gig, and it’s… a work in progress.

To give myself a little breathing space, I’ve signed Ellie up for play group, so twice a week she gets to play with kids her age, while I get to run errands with just one kid. When Vivi’s a little older, I’ll probably enroll her in the same play group, and *hooray* get some real me-time for the first time in… three years? It’s all a blur now.

Ellie’s gone to her new school (for simplicity’s sake let’s just call it a school) for two weeks now, and she LOVES it. It’s pretty much an indoor playground with teachers. I love that they focus on physical play, because there’s really no need to focus on academics for two and three year old children. They do have things like “Letter of the Day”, and arts and crafts, but for the most part it’s just a bunch of fun activities for kids.

So that’s the biggest change in our lives so far. I’m still homeschooling them for the most part, and it’s been tiring but rewarding. Yes, cliched but true. Ellie’s turning three next month, and it’s amazing to watch her learn and grow. It seems like she’s saying new words and phrases every day. Vivi’s speech development is even more impressive. She picks up all these words (and mannerisms) from her big sister. Just last night, she said “eyes” and “glasses” for the first time. Not bad for an almost 17 month old!

Moving forward, the plan is to blog at least once a month (but don’t hold your breath). I’ve been planning to share a list of book recommendations for babies and toddlers, as well as gift guides. I actually started typing up the gift guide months ago, hoping to post it by Christmas, but as you know… life happens. Another post I want to write is about gender norms/expectations, how we might challenge ourselves to know better, and raise the new generation to be better. Heavy stuff.

Alright, that’s all for now!

XOXO

An Authentic Existence – Living with Vulnerability

So here I am again. Shared nap times are a rarity in my household. Ten months in, and I’m still trying to figure out a routine that works for us. But baby steps, as they say.

I’ve got quite a few drafts, but none of them seem right at the moment. In any case, I thought I’d start on a topic which has been on my mind for a while – authenticity. I’d like to think I’m an authentic person, but the truth is… I don’t know. I have my guard up most times, and that’s not a particularly “real” way of living.

It’s certainly a common way of behaving, to the point where we’ve normalised it. Most of you are probably thinking, “You’ve got your guard up, so what? We all do.” But does it really make it right? Something I often say is, “Just because it’s the norm doesn’t make it the right way to do things.”

Even now, I’m hesitant to lay all my cards on the table. Let’s go one at time. I’m not sure if it shows, or if I’ve somehow hidden it well, but I have anxiety. It’s SCARY. Some days I don’t recognise my thoughts. I’m a perfectionist and when I make mistakes, even the smallest ones, I find it difficult to forgive myself.

It’s a terrible thing to feel a constant need to chastise myself for just about everything, from the big to the insignificant. It also makes me extra sensitive to external criticism, because I internalise it and distort it beyond recognition until it becomes this ugly storm cloud in my mind that refuses to leave. All this time it’s all inside, and the ones closest to me may not even know just how bad it’s become.

Deep breath.

And to think I wasn’t going to blog about something heavy today.

It’s an ongoing process, and I’m managing. I read this somewhere – “You’ve survived 100% of your worst days, and that’s something”. There’s no need for a standing ovation or a reward sticker, but just quietly acknowledging it in my mind is good enough.

Even without the anxiety (though it’s not quite clear-cut), life in general is stressful, made worse by our own demands. We’re just so hard on ourselves, aren’t we? As my girls are getting a bit older, it scares me to think that being hard on myself might have some kind of spillover effect. It’s paradoxical in that it makes me anxious but at the same time it’s a reminder not to be anxious.

Every now and then I think, if I can love my children unconditionally, why can’t I extend that same unconditional love for myself? It doesn’t even occur to me to consciously forgive them – I just do. Wouldn’t it be amazing and life-changing to do that for myself?

Accepting that life is never going to be perfect and it’s okay to be vulnerable, this “radical acceptance” (I read it somewhere and can’t remember the source) could be the start of an authentic existence.

Deep breath.

Let’s do this.

Minimalism is a Process: Part Two

Full disclosure: I did some shopping yesterday. It was late last night, on my phone. All baby clothes. So it wasn’t exactly a frivolous purchase. Vivi needed new pyjamas, so that’s a no brainer. Ellie’s into dinosaurs at the moment, and I’ve been wanting to get her a dinosaur-print dress for ages. The clothes were fairly inexpensive. So why do I feel so guilty?

It is absolutely BONKERS, the amount of guilt a person heaps onto oneself, often for no good reason at all. For example, how often have you heard someone call a certain food “sinful” or “a guilty pleasure”? Luckily, I was made aware of the toxicity of these terms during my teen years, so I have a relatively healthy relationship with food, and with my body. This is especially important since I’m raising daughters. The way we talk about food and our bodies has an impact on our children. This is a topic that is close to my heart, and I’ll explore further in another post.

So while I don’t feel guilty about what I eat, it creeps up on me in other areas of my life. A common one is motherhood, and the never-ending “am I doing enough”. Acquiring more possessions and maintaining a household is somewhat tied in to that. If there’s lots of clutter, my children are growing up in a messy home, and I’m stressed out all the time, then that’s not good, isn’t it?

So a few things need to change. Yes, I need to relax a little. “Don’t get so stressed out,” you tell me. Well, I already know. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

While I’m working on that, it wouldn’t hurt to tackle the physical stuff too. Right now there’s no need for a major overhaul, as minimalism has been practised in our home for some years, and hopefully it shows. I’ve been diligent about discarding old/damaged items. Unused stuff in good condition is given away.

It sounds cheesy, but practising gratitude really helps. I’m aware that complaining about being stuck at home, shopping when stressed out, then stressing out over having too much stuff is coming from a position of privilege. Knowing how lucky we are helps to keep things in perspective. It also bring us back to minimalism, where being content and being grateful for what you already have makes you want less.

So I’m holding on to this feeling of gratitude as we gradually ease into a “new normal”, and with it I hope to add a dash of patience and understanding. There’s no need to buy like the world is ending, and there’s no need to feel guilty when buying a little. Like most things, it’s a balance and a process.

And… exhale.

Minimalism is a Process

Some years ago I made a decision to embrace minimalism. When people hear the word “minimalism” they tend to think of empty rooms with hardly any furniture. That image doesn’t really evoke feelings of warmth or comfort, does it? Honestly, minimalism is not like that at all. To me, it’s essentially about being happy with less.

It’s simple in theory, but immensely difficult in practice. All of us have been brought up in this culture of “more, more, more”. Unless you’re living in the middle of nowhere, with no one and no ads to bother you, it’s nearly impossible to block out these messages. Buy this, get that, don’t miss out, don’t fall behind.

It takes a lot of unlearning, and it’s something that I haven’t quite achieved myself. Yeah, of course there are things I like, and I tell myself that a little shopping is good for combating stress. After all, it’s not called retail therapy for nothing, right?

Of course, as with most things, moderation is key. There are other things to do in the name of minimalism, such as getting rid of clutter (KonMari method, whoo!) and daily maintenance of the household. So I thought I was making good progress. My resolutions for the new year were even along the lines of “no shopping unless it’s to replace something”.

Then 2020 happened. Ay, cabin fever hit hard, and drove me to tears. It wasn’t just fear for my health or my children’s. Suddenly I wasn’t allowed to do anything at all. If I brought Ellie out for a walk and “people with good intentions” learned of it, the criticisms they threw at me made me feel like the world’s worst mother. Never mind that we had our masks on the whole time and made sure to keep at least one metre away from everyone else. The things people said… “Don’t you know how dangerous it is out there, all those germs? How can you be so reckless?”

Feeling trapped at home, with nowhere to blow off steam, I started shopping. In all fairness, I haven’t gone completely overboard. The things I purchased over the last few months still arguably fall under the category of “useful things”: books, makeup and skincare, health supplements, children’s toys… I did buy a few pieces of costume jewellery, but I consider those my birthday gifts to myself. ;p

Quarantine purchases in this picture include the origami elephant necklace, the book on the top left corner, the mini blush palettes, and the lip gloss.

Now that the shopping frenzy has subsided, I’m once again left to wonder… What am I going to do with all this stuff? As I type this, I’m surrounded by stacks of books. Unread books. My major weakness when it comes to shopping is books. And Lego Duplo. And surprise boxes from Lazada. And… never mind.

The sheer amount of stuff does get overwhelming at times. It’s probably not a big deal to most people. Friends who’ve been to my place say that it’s not a lot of stuff at all. Maybe it’s because I’ve been trying to incorporate minimalism for years now, so my threshold is lower. Clutter is highly visible to me (and infuriatingly less so for my husband).

So yes, it is a process. I just have to remind myself. Maybe all I have to do today is tidy my workspace a little. And start reading one of those books.

Dusting Off the ol’ Blog

Hello, it’s been too long! It’s always been my intention to resume blogging, but oh boy, life got in the way big time.

Yes, I had a second baby.

Years of trying to conceive, and then two babies within two years (18 months and a day, to be exact). The universe works in mysterious ways, that’s all I can say.

So Ellie is now a big sister to Vivienne, who turned 9 months old yesterday. We call her Vivi for short. To say that we’ve been busy is putting it mildly.

That aside, our lives haven’t been all that different. I haven’t gone back to work, and I don’t intend to do so in the near future. Right now it’s all about taking care of two little ones, and trying to stay sane amidst a pandemic. It’s probably the reason this blog got revived. Nothing seems normal anymore, and it’s scary. We’re all just trying to get some kind of foothold in all this uncertainty.

What do you miss from the “old life”? I miss travel, and I’m definitely not alone in this. With two kids aged two and under, it seems unlikely that we’d get to travel anyway, but at least that possibility was still there, and I could at least plan for it, dream of it… something to look forward to. That’s it. I miss having that something to look forward to. Sure, I could still plan and dream, but it’s not the same.

Right now, having the space to put my thoughts is something I desperately need. I try not to beat myself up about needing to think of something witty or creative before putting it out there for the world to see. It doesn’t have to be art. It could be therapy. Or just words on a page that make sense only to me, but hopefully they’ll make sense to others too.

Courage over comfort. (Go watch Brene Brown on Netflix, or read one of her books.)

The need to create art. (Read Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Big Magic” for this one.)

So yes, if typing a few words on a blog can keep me from going too mad, I’m doing it. And because there’s a method to my madness, I’m aiming for/keeping it to 500 words, like a school essay. School seems like a distant memory now. My student days, my teaching days, all of it, replaced by reminders for appointments with the pediatrician and lyrics to “Fancy Nancy”.

Moving forward, I’m really, really hoping to commit to blogging at least once or twice a month. I actually have a few drafts saved, mostly about pregnancy and life as a new mum, but I’m not feeling those posts at the moment. Potential topics are minimalism (and how I’m nowhere near achieving it), parenthood (obviously a big part of my life), and mental health awareness (seems like lots of people are talking about it, and for good reason).

There’ll be more lighthearted stuff as well. I’d love to write about our trips to Hong Kong and Tokyo, back in 2018. Travelling with a baby has its challenges, but it was so worth it. So that’s what I have planned, and thank you for being here with me!

Sending all the love to anyone who needs it! ❤

2018 in Review

There’s been hardly any activity here this year, and if you’ve read my last post, you’ll know why. Surprisingly, there was still quite a bit of traffic, and I actually have more views as compared to last year, when I was diligently posting away. Say what?

Anyway, here’s what 2018 was like for me:

January

Entered the third trimester of pregnancy! Also preparing for our move back to Singapore.

February

Celebrated our last Valentine’s Day where it’s just the two of us, and possibly for the last time in Hong Kong!

Hopped on a plane at 32 weeks. Thankfully the flight was under 4 hours, so it was still bearable.

Started our six-week stay at Orchard Parksuites, where I got to live my tai-tai fantasy for a while. Belly became large enough to be used as a dining surface. Baby was trying her hardest to kick the plate off.

March

Crazy busy with home renovations and shopping for baby stuff. Had our gorgeous maternity photo shoot at 36 weeks!

April

Little Ellie arrived in this world, and has since stolen our hearts (and sleep)!

May

It will always be worth it.

June

Ellie made her debut at six weeks old, when we attended our friends’ wedding.

Meanwhile, Mama turned 30 and it was the most low-key celebration yet.

Also, we finally moved into a place of our own! No more rentals!

July

Ellie got to meet her great-grandma!

We attended my cousin’s wedding in Malaysia, and it was Ellie’s first trip abroad.

August

Someone started smiling and laughing a whole lot more!

September

Ellie’s first flight, and first of hopefully many trips to Hong Kong. She wasn’t bothered by takeoff and landing, and only fussed when she was hungry. We’re lucky!

She also started on solids. This girl likes food!

October

Edwin and I celebrated 10 years together, 6 years of marriage, and 6 months of parenthood. ❤

November

Our first ever trip to Japan! We’d been dreaming about this for the longest time, so this was long overdue. Hopefully I’ll find the time to blog about this in the future!

December

Ellie’s first Christmas!

I’ll fill in the gaps when I can, but for now, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! See you in 2019!

A New Chapter

So… I’ve been away for a while, and there’s a long story behind that, which I will share in due time. Meanwhile, here’s the abbreviated version:

The past few years have felt like one massive roller coaster ride. There were travels, good times, and celebrations. However, there were also health scares, trips to the hospital, and ultimately, devastating loss as we said goodbye to our little angel before we had the chance to say hello.

But even the worst of times passed, and fortunately for us, they were followed by the happiest of news. Our little rainbow will be joining us mid-April, give or take a few days, which means I could pop anytime now!

If I can find the time and energy, I’d love to share more details over the week, and in the weeks and months following baby’s birth. For now, I’m sending lots of love and hope to anyone who’s ever experienced, or is currently experiencing, what I went through.

You are not alone, and you will get through this.

 

Sovereign Hill, Ballarat: Old Gold Town

Sovereign Hill is an open-air museum (and theme park of sorts) in Ballarat, a city north-west of Melbourne. It’s got historically-recreated buildings to give us an idea of what Australia in the 1850s might have looked like, complete with antiques, machinery, and other paraphernalia of that era. (Here’s the Wikipedia link for more info.)

You can mine for actual gold, but I doubt you’ll find more than a speck or two.

Main Street. It’s no Disneyland, but it still has a certain charm.

Hope Bakery serves sweet and savoury pies! Bought an apple turnover for Mum and a beef and cheese pie for myself. There’s also a modern cafeteria off Main Street, where Mum bought a cup of coffee.

Gorgeous houses. I don’t think we were able to enter though. Oh well, happy to admire from afar.

Since Sovereign Hill is well, a hill, you can these stunning views.

There’s real livestock too!

If Mum had an Instagram account. #coffeeaddict #seetheworld

There probably weren’t any recycling bins back in the day. Just sayin’

Some of the activities that you could participate in include nine-pin bowling. No extra charge, but it’s quite popular and you might have to wait quite a while for your turn.

Ye Olde Fire Brigade.

(Singing) ~ Going to the chapel and I’m… already married.

You could also ride on a carriage, but it would cost extra.

Waiting for the mine tour, which is underground. Yes, we had to pay extra, and no, we could not climb that tower.

The mine tram would go down at an approximately 45 degree angle and the tunnel was PITCH BLACK. Even with the lamps at the end of the tunnel, the underground mines were really dim and it took some getting used to.

The show that we watched was a tale of two Chinese brothers. Yes, there were Chinese miners in Ballarat 150 years ago. The Chinese went to distant corners of the world for gold, and The Land Down Under was no exception.

Our tickets also included admission to the Gold Museum. There were gold nuggets, gold trinkets, tools for mining gold, and of course lots of history lessons, but the exhibit that really caught my eye was this one…

“Chinese Fashion Design Students Re-imagine the 1850s in the ‘New Gold Mountain Street Style’ Competition”. Apparently the costumed characters in Sovereign Hill fascinated the Chinese visitors and so Sovereign Hill had a fashion design competition to strengthen its ties with the overseas Chinese community. Interesting.

One last photo for the road: one of my favourite displays in the museum. Golden chalice, anyone?

http://www.sovereignhill.com.au/

Feels Like Home

I’m back! Our flight was delayed by a bit, then we experienced some turbulence. Finally, we arrived late last night, and I’m just glad to be home safe.

Today it was back to the grind, and thankfully my day at work was rather uneventful. I had some errands in the evening, and as I was walking along the busy streets of Hong Kong, with the noisy traffic and winter chill for company, I thought, “It’s good to be home.”

It’s an incredible blessing to have so many places to call home. Singapore, Penang, Hong Kong… these cities will always have a special place in my heart. While I’m here, I miss my family and friends terribly, but Hong Kong is where Edwin and I have our little haven for two, our 二人世界, and I intend to savour this chapter in our lives!

“There’s no place like home.” I hear you, Dorothy. It’s comforting to know that wherever we are, it feels like home.

 

Learn, Laugh, Love

How has 2015 treated you so far? It’s only been a week, yet so much has happened around the world, both good and bad. We started the year with our hopes and dreams, and our resolutions to live healthier lives. And then it was just another day at the office.

But for some it was their last.

None of this is fair. 2014 had already taught us just how fragile life can be: aviation disasters, the Ebola virus outbreak, acts of violence in various parts of the world… Will this ever end?

“The look of excitement on Pandora’s face quickly turned to one of disappointment and then horror, for Zeus had filled the box with all the terrible evils he could think of. Out of the box poured disease and poverty. Out came misery, out came death, out came sadness – all shaped like tiny buzzing moths.

The creatures stung Pandora over and over again and she slammed the lid shut. She could still hear a voice calling to her from the box, pleading with her to be let out. Nothing inside the box could be worse than the horrors that had already been released, so she opened the lid once more.

All that remained in the box was Hope. It fluttered from the box like a beautiful dragonfly, touching the wounds created by the evil creatures, and healing them. Even though Pandora had released pain and suffering upon the world, she had also allowed Hope to follow them.”

Yes, there is still hope.

We have lived such incredibly blessed lives. There is unspeakable joy in being alive, safe and healthy. I couldn’t ask for more, except to wish the same for everyone else. So here’s to you:

As we get older, let us be wiser too. There will be times when we weep, but more often there will be times when life makes us laugh. And on the days that we see our loved ones, reach out and hold the hand of someone you care about.

We learn, we laugh, we love. We live.

Cheers, and happy new year.

.

.

(The story of Pandora’s box was taken from here, with minor adjustments.)